what the hell is going on?

    holy shit! its october of 2020. fucking 2020, and we are still dealing with race issues. why the hell is that still an issue in a modern country such as the usa? i personally think that in American there certainly are people who are racist. i cant deny that. i think you would be lying, or ignorant if you said otherwise. yet i also do NOT believe America is a racist country as a whole. nor do we have a race "problem"  we arent a country like china, who is a very openly racist. and not just the ccp. but the citizenry as a whole is very racist as a whole. and of course im not saying everyone is a racist. but as a whole, they certainly are. i believe thats mostly from the government brainwashing and conditioning them to be that way. but its also inherited from their parents. and preceding generations.  this is not an attack on china, but i just used them as an example. i have seen it first hand that they tend to be racist and actually very xenophobic.  but again, i also believe thats mostly because of governmental influence. 

  i can say for a personal and first hand point of view, that racism can in fact be stopped. and just because a parent or authority figure might be racist or even sexist, does not mean that the offspring too, will be of the same mindset. i had a very influencial authority figure who i looked up too immensely. and i realized that they were not a out and out racist. however they did indeed have some rather serious prejudice to alot of races other than their own. and i found it to e a very offputting charachtor trait. so much so, tht i have said things to this person about their words and emotions. granted they arent violent nor do they wish violence on anyone. but they tend to stick to the stereotypes and believes that those stereotypes are all true. and to me, i dont believe thats the case. i also believe that race issues in America id highlu influenced by the media. and i believe its openly obvious. look at whats going on today. the entire race bullshit thats going on today is being fanned and openly encouraged by the communist media. the media is making a issue out of things that arent really there. of course im not saying that there isnt racism out there. im just saying that the amount of racism and the extreme racist thoughts arent really there.. they are being perpetuated by the media, and by certain groups who have ulterior  motives and plans. they are trying to, and succeeding in dividing the country.

  they know that race issues are a highly emotional topic,and its one that alot of people usually feel srongly about. either one way or another. one person can get really riled up when race is brought into the debate. just look at the new thing, where all white people are suddenly, almost over night every white person in america is suddenly a racist. and to be fair. thats simply not true. i will admit there are some white folk out there that indeed are racist. just like black fold who are racist. same with every individual race. but this new thing about all white people instantly being racists is foolist. and its designed only to divide he country. this is being brought  on and supported by the media. the media is responsible for this. of course im not certain whose telling them to say this shit but its foolish as fuck.  just because my ancient relatives, that i never knew, were most likely from europe somewhere. has NO  bearing on my mentality, or my thought process. i personally am not at all racist. ive never been racist.  thats perhaps why i cant believe the sudden racist bullshit. in fact i cant be a racist. if i were that would mean that i hate my wife of 22 years. and not only that i would also have to hate my children. and i assure you that is not the case. i think its absolutely stupid to base your initial or your entire opinion of a person or an entire race simply because of  a stereotype, or a past occurrence. that is simply foolish. but recently these dipshit commie fucks who are trying to overtake and destroy our country, have started a new racism campaign. by dividing us all. by naming all white people as a racist just because they are white...... isnt that itself racism?  is it not?   i will admit ive never openly been discriminated against because of my "whiteness" ( i am pretty sure it did happen in the past, but not openly)  but this new trend is out and out openly racist. ive never seen this stupidity like this before. its crazy. and this is where people are gonna get triggered....so get ready snowflakes..... i do not believe that you should EVER judge a person because of their fucking skin color. their race has NO bearing on their mentality, or thought process. what matters to me is their mindset. and to harken back to a great American, mr. Martin Luther King, who state that we should not judge a person by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. and i personally believe those are very  very poignant words. those words are exactly how i believe. its not the color of your fucking skin that matters to me. its what kind of person you are on the inside. if you are a shithead, your a shit head. if your black and a shitty person, well that has nothing to do with the fact that you are black, it has to do with the fact that you are a shitty person. race has NOTHING to do with mentality or personal character.  racism is fucking stupid. and to go along with that racists are fucking stupid. well to be accurate they are ignorant. ignorance can be fixed with education. stupidity cannot. if your ignorant, it simply means you lack the knowledge of the topic. if you are stupid, i means that you are incapable of learning the education.  so people need to be careful of the terms they use. in fact ignorance isnt necessarily an insult. its a statement of fact. and if you find yourself ignorant of a certain topic or subject, its your own personal duty to get the education to NOT be ignorant. 

 because of the recent race scares that being perpetuated by the media and the commie fucks in blm, they have scared white people into shaming themselves. thats repulsive to me. for any race to do this. to make a person actually feel guilty for the color of their skin. when at the same time they have actually done NOTHING racist. thats is unbelievable. i cannot believe all these weak willed people who have actually been fooled into thinking that they are guilty of owning slaves, just because they are white. when at the same fucking time they have never owned a person ever. thats one of the most idiotic and racist pile of shit ever.  then they get the commie news propaganda to push this racist thought process. which just emboldens the militant racists. makes them really get out there and demand even more foolish racist actions. this is reprehensible. and the media must pay for this. they all must be held accountable for the openly racist bullshit as well as the violence encouragement. the media is absolutely culpable for this current crisis. and they needs to be corrected. or obliterated. whichever.  the news is supposed to be unbiased. its supposed to be a place where a person can get information around their area. not to get a fresh batch of propaganda, or behavior modification rules. the media needs to be dismanteled. and alot of them need to face charges for sedition and insurrection. if not outright  encouragement thru intelligence for a coup d'etat.  

  to be continued....

re-united states of america

  ok, im going to keep as much political bullshit out of this. im planning on keeping this patriotic and not political. of course like all diseases, im sure it will sneak in more than i intend for it too. but i hope to keep it in check.

   but my thoughts are varying. one minute i am one of the most patriotic people around. i am very proud of my country. the people, and the lifestyle. however i am not a believer in this government. the government is NOT by the people, of the people, and for the people anymore. it is all about the alphabet agencies, and the all mighty dollar. the constitution has been all but omitted from the government. when at the beginning the government WAS the constitution. and that is a bastardization of this country and its people. 

and the division that i am speaking of is really disheartening. its a shame that we are all called americans. yet at he same time, the way things are, a persons deep held beliefs are no longer topics for discussion and idea transfer. they are now reasons for one lunatic to kill their american brother or sister. that is truly sad. something as insignificant as one persons beliefs-something they BELIEVE- is a reason to kill a person???? thats not in any way american. back in the day for a democrat to call a republican, "a republican" it was really just a statement of fact. however now its a verbal attack. or an insult. i remember when people with opposing thoughts could get together and discuss their points. its a cray thing called conversation, or discussion. those days are gone. because for whatever reason simply believing in a certain side of the spectrum makes you literally enemies with the opposing side. the days of cordial, or even heated discussions are over. its now damn near war. and its ridiculous. theres nothing wrong with holding different views and beliefs, but its not a reason to dehumanize and hate your bretheren.

 we need to actually work together. if you recall the colloquialism back in the 9/11 days "united we stand, divided we fall" do you assholes not remember that? the whole damn country was barfing out things like that. yet now just 19 years later we are totally and completely divided. and i think its divided to the point of no repair, i hope like hell it can be repaired. but some of what ive seen, im not  very optimistic. and there was only ONE other time that our country was this divided. and  it was in the mid 1800s. lets please not go back down that road. theres much better things to do. LIKE FIX OUR GOVERNMENT. bot sides of the government the red side and the blue side.  quit being hardasses and work together to get shit done. 

.....to be continued

mourning the passing of......

   as usual, i have no idea how to start this one. ive wanted to say something about remorse, or mourning. as a kid, i was pretty lucky. i never experienced death in my family until i was an adult. i never had any relatives pass on while i was younger. however when they did start to go, they came out of what seemed like nowhere. now that will sound really stupid. especially when you realize that we all knew that they were gonna be going "anytime now". i can explain that in a minute. but it seems that no matter how well that you know, and i mean that you truly KNOW that this person WILL be dying very soon. it seems no matter how well you are assure of that, its still a shock, or a painful punch in the gut. which still seems like  a sudden shock. but my issue isnt the shock of loss. i honestly feel that i dont know how to properly mourn. perhaps its because i was an adult when it happened, and i never had a lot of death in my past. but the first to go was grandpa. and he was sick for a while. grandpa died from lymphoma. and that was amazing to me. i was a single child, raised by my mom, until i was 16. but my entire youth, i was raised in a really close-knit family. my moms family. i lived with my mom. and her parents were never too far away. we lived never too far from grandma and grandpa. but grandpa was i suppose you could say, my "male role model" as i was raised by my mom. but grandpa was a mountain of a man. he was a big gun gunner in the navy aboard a battle ship during world war 2. he was the guy who loaded the huge 5 foot shells and sent them to the japanese opponents. but grandpa was 6'.3" and all muscle. even into his older years, he was always a huge imposing looking man. yet he was the absolute kindest most sincere and extremely loving man i have ever known. heres a funny story about grandpa. i really dont remember a whole lot of this story. as it happened when i was really little, i think i was 4 when this happened. but i have heard the story from everyone that was there and they all match up. but they always had farm animals, and me and the cousins,being kids, would always be out getting into stuff in the barns or petting or playing with all the animals. well one day me and one of my female cousins were at the fence feeding grandpas HUUUUGE black horse. his name was Omega. i still remember this horse. he was a abnormally large solid black stallion. but me and my cousin were standing on our side of the fence feeding Omega some grass and grandpa was next to us. i htink he was just making sure nothing happened. well as i was bending down to grab another clump of grass for the hulking beast, he bent down and latched onto my shoulder and bit the ever loving shit out of be. well, i dont recall the bite, im sure trauma omitted that from my memories. but i do remember exactly what happened a split second later. i think i was still in Omegas mouth when this happened, but im not certain. but without batting an eye, i saw this mountain of a man move with the speed of bruce lee. without missing a beat, grandpa rared back and punched Omega square in the nose. and it wasnt a "no no bad boy" kinda swat. he punched the ever loving shit out of him. in fact thats the part i recall, was watching Omega stagger back and that look in his eyes was something i never saw or have seen since on an animal. it was the look that you see boxers or ufc fighters when they are on their way out. that look in their eyes right before they are knocked out, was the exact same look in this horses eyes. and if it werent so serious, it would have been hilarious. he damn near knocked out a horse, no bullshit. 

anyways it was really weird to know grandpa was sick, and was not gonna get any better. but grandpas was still big even as he was withering away. it wasnt until right before he died that he even started to loose weight. but heres the deal, i was well prepared for his upcoming death. we were just waiting for the phone call basically. but after grandpa died, i dont think i ever really mourned. as with all the other deaths, i dont think i have properly mourned their passing. i dont hold any sadness, or despair from the loss but thats what makes me feel like i didnt mourn properly. because i dont get sad around his anniversary of his death or of my grandmas death. thats what makes me feel like i havent mourned properly. for either of them. i loved my grandma and grandpa very much. i was indeed sad because of their passing. but it seems like its there gone, that sucks, now go on. thats such a terrible way to look at it. and thats not how i look at it, but its how it seems. i loved them very much. but i feel like i should have been more upset about their passing. or even still hold sadness. yet i dont.  it seems like other people i know hold sadness and despair for years and years after their passing. so it makes me feel like i didnt mourn properly. and i feel shitty about that. because of course NO ONE knows how you truly feel about another person but you, yourself. and i know for an absolute fact that i love my grandpa and grandma fully with all my heart. i only hope that they knew how much i truly did love them. i suppose this is just a character flaw with me. 

im pulling off for now, i will add the next edition in this diatribe about my mom. thats gonna suck.so standby.

depression suppression.

this one will most likely be a pile of rambling nonsense. however i intend to get the point across, eventually. its kinda funny setting here talking to myself. i mean theres very low possibility that ANYONE will ever read this thing. so anyhow, i recon ill just start in on it. i wonder if theres something wrong with me, or with how my brain works. i feel that i dont show my feelings very well. i dont tell my wife or my kids how much i truly truly love them, and that they honestly mean more to me than anything they will ever know. i think its clear that be stating this, i clearly understand that i do have this issue. i also do acknowledge it. yet at the same time when i realize it or that ive missed an opportunity to express my feelings its typically too late, or would fall at an odd/suspicious timing. i also cant go around saying "i love you" constantly, for that would minimise the true emotion behind it. i guess i need an internal reminder to go off and remind me to express my feelings. i wish i had this device. i cant express in words or even in (known) actions just how much i truly truly love my awesome wife. she is such an awesome human. shes done so much for me, and put up with so much shit, i could never ever repay her. i have no idea how she has managed. because during my drinking and drugging days, i did so much shit to her and the family, that if it were someone else, i would have beat the ever loving shit out of that person. of course hindsight is 20/20. i try to look at all of my past as a learning opportunity. i know my wife probably has a tiny tiny microscopic seed of doubt buried waaaay down deep inside, where she might fear the possibility of me falling off the wagon. and i understand her fears. yet i have not had a drink in almost 10 years. and i can honestly say that i am in no way worried that there will ever be an issue. in fact i dont believe i will ever drink again. i just no longer have that desire or need. in fact it seems really more of a pain in the ass than what would be a good time. it seems more like a hassle and something that dont seem fun or enjoyable at all.  

ok, well lets get into the meat and taters of the topic at hand. my depression issues. oh boy, this will be a long one. so lets start at the beginning. ive pretty much always been depressed. or had a depressed personality. i recall speaking to my mom several years ago, she had just brought it up in passing really. but the gist of the discussion was that she said even as a small kid i was depressed. she had told me that of course i had no reason, that she knew of for me to be depressed. yet i just had a depressive personality. not that i wasnt a happy kid, nor did i not have a happy childhood. in fact i recall my entire childhood as a good time. i dont recall any issues or anytime where i was depressed or upset. i just remember having fun and being a kid. which she said that yes, of course i had alot of fun, i never had problems making friends or playing with other kids. but it was when all the normal play and socialisation was over, and when i was just chillin, then from time to time i would fall into a funk. i just do not recall that. perhaps its for the best. im sure my teenage years might have had a little to do with my current  bi polar issues. thats when i really took notice of a real depression issue. and it was something that i carried with me until today. it was really weird how it worked. because one day, or minute, or second, i would be as happy as possible and even on top of the world. then the very next second i would flip over to something that will be equally depressive. and it often would be like flipping a switch. and i never knew how this was or why it would happen. it would happen without any form of trigger. it would just happen  for no reason. of course we know its manic depression or better known as bi-polar depression disorder. and its a motherfucker to live with. whats worse is trying to explain it to someone who has no idea what bi polar depression is. i mean yeah sure, we all have "blue" day when we just dont feel as great as normal. that is not at all what im talking about. i have a blue day about 10-15 times a day. but so many people just say some stupid moronic cliche, like "just think happier thoughts" simply fucking asinine. i usually just have to walk away from those discussions.

well of course i cant just have bi polar issues.... no way. as if that werent enough ive also dealt with a rather serious form of anxiety disorders. primarily social anxiety primarily. and i suppose one would say the cream of the crop..... ive become quite agoraphobic. as in i ONLY leave the house once a month. and even then, its at 4 o clock in the morning to go get my medicine. occasionally i will go to the store. however if it were left up to me i would NEVER leave the house. i just dont have any business in the "real world" theres nothing out there for me. and in fact the real world is a place that tends to set off any or all of my anxieties. it seems as tho if i stay in the house, then i wont have to face the assholes in the public or any of the other ignorant shit that pisses me off or sets me into a panic attack. its so much easier to stay home where i can protect myself and everyone around me. out and about, you never know where the shit will come from. ive come to realize that current situations that are occurring have made my agoraphobia actually not a flaw but a positive thing. i mean i would NEVER do what they say to do, just because they say to do it. however i am now doing it because i cant help it. so i suppose i am relatively safe from this "virus". and of course that issue i will wrestle with in another diatribe. 

introduction. who am i, and what this blog is intended for.

   lets see..... how the hell do i start this? like an open letter to the reader? or should i just start my nonsense, as no one will likely ever see this. yet for some reason i feel as tho i should identify what this blog is planned to be about and what a person can and should not expect from me. well i suppose since ive already started rambling, i will continue, and just use it as my introduction.

 well im a father of 2. ive been married for 20 years to a wonderful woman who certainly deserves a medal for putting up with me for as long as she has without killing me. and im sure in time it will be understood as to why i said that. i certainly gave her adequate reasons to do so. but thru it all, weve maintained a great relationship. i suppose being married to your best friend help. and i know that could be very cliche' but in my case its absolutely true. if something horrible were to happen and she did boot my ass, i have no doubt that (after the pain healed) we would contine to be pretty damn good friends. of course that could be wishful thinking but i could certainly see us remaining friends. however i dont believe i have to worry about that. before i get off this topic i will offer one more personal bit... before my wife, i thought i knew what "love" was. and what it meant to be in love. and once me and my wife met and hit it off, i really realized i had no clue what love truly is and means. and tho weve been together for 22 years this year, i feel like we are truly in love. and i am forever grateful that she somehow found a way to love my reprehensible ass. and she allowed me to love her. i never knew i was really worthy of another persons love. and yet she has demonstrated time and time again, that she most assuredly doe love me. i dont know why. but she does. because you would definitely have to seriously love a person to put up with the hell and bullshit ive put her thru over the years. i am forever indebted to her. she is a unbelievable human. i am extremely lucky. and honestly, i need to learn how to show her more, and better.

  im not real sure how i want to do this thing. this is my first ever attempt at blogging. and in all actuality this is the first time ive EVER offered my opinion and point of view on topics to the masses. i am sure i will offend and likely piss off some. i dont doubt that. i suppose i will simply use this as my soapbox upon which to proclaim my thoughts and opinions. i dont intend for this to be political in any way. im sure at some point a political topic will fall in, as i am indeed interested in a few very serious political issues. however i wont preach the topics. and i dont know jack shit about the actual politics. or the bureaucracy of how it all works. and i dont want to. i only know the topics that piss me off, or make me happy.... but well cross that bridge when we get to it.

  ive lived in central usa. in fact im almost exactly  mid point of america. and ive lived here all my live. of course ive lived in a few different parts of the same state. but ive never really left. i recall back when i was a kid, you know back when hair metal was the shit, and skateboard were 4 feet wide and had monster truck tires on them, i couldnt wait to get the hell out of the buckle of the bible belt. there was nothing more important to me other than getting out. and as i got of age, and actually started getting out there into the real world. and even going to alot of places i had dreamt of going and escaping middle america, i realized that ol Dorothy was absolutely correct. there truly is "no place like home". i know that was hokie yet its true. i couldnt wait to get out and see california. i just knew it would be  heaven on earth. well..... for those who dont know, its not. its just like any other town or city in any other state. and thats exactly how it is everywhere. in fact i have since grown to despise california. in fact theres nothing there for me at all. i have no use for that place. of course if your a californian, i am not speaking of you. its just your state. so i apologize if i offended you. but your state sucks.

  we also are currently in the middle of an event that we have never seen in this century. the generations that are alive and going thru this  ordeal have never been thru anything like this. there might be a tiny few that lived thru the 1918 spanish flu. but they would have to be over 100 years old. any way, those of us dealing with this are in a tuff situation. the people, the governments, and the entire human creature has no idea how to handle this event. as much as they want to believe that they were prepared for such events.... they clearly were not. and please know when i say things like my last sentence, i am speaking of my country in particular. as its the only one i can speak of.  there is still people out there saying that this virus isnt real and that its made up. i dont know all the ins and outs. but i really dont know how they can say that its not real. perhaps its because they havent yet had anyone that they personally know contract the bug unfortunately i do know its real. luckily we are all safe in my family, and our families. of course i wouldnt wish it upon those people. but i do wish they could look at the bigger picture. i mean, the various countries would not shut down. not at all like they have. just like in the states, alot of other countries have destroyed their economy by shutting down. some worse than others. as for america, we are in a situation that cannot be reversed. and alot of people dont, or wont see it. we were already on the way to a financial collapse that was gonna happen either this year or early next year. this plandemic just sped it up.  and that was not a misspelling. we've gone so far with artificially backing up the stock market, and the economy. our beloved and almighty Dollar is not worth the paper its printed on. i know that inflation is a very real thing, however it should be kept in check. and its been in free fall since the 70s. a dollar just dont by a dollars worth of stuff now days. i personally believe that if this thing was indeed an accident, then it was used to let the system collapse. but i kinda doubt that its natural. i do believe this was a PLANdemic. and this was just the best time. i am not afraid of the virus so much. however i am terrified of what could very well be following it. it all depends on how people handle these next few months. its going to be very hard to buy food when you cant go to work. if you still have a job. the powers that be took this  (or made this) opportunity to cover for the fall of the economy, and the rise of the new paradigm. i wish i could say what the new normal is going to be. i dont know. but i do know theres a very real possibility that if a certain faction gets the upper hand then we will be looking at a real life orwellian reality. thats a truth. however if the americans keep the power it wont hurt as bad. however there MUST be alot of changes. and i hope that this opportunity is taken to make these changes and give america back to the americans once again.

 i think ill apologize for the diatribe. but i prolly shouldnt have started that particular topic so close to the end. but hey, im new to this... lmao. ill do better on the 9th one. well hopefully. perhaps the next installment ill ruffle some feathers. i suppose thats that, for now.