as usual, i have no idea how to start this one. ive wanted to say something about remorse, or mourning. as a kid, i was pretty lucky. i never experienced death in my family until i was an adult. i never had any relatives pass on while i was younger. however when they did start to go, they came out of what seemed like nowhere. now that will sound really stupid. especially when you realize that we all knew that they were gonna be going "anytime now". i can explain that in a minute. but it seems that no matter how well that you know, and i mean that you truly KNOW that this person WILL be dying very soon. it seems no matter how well you are assure of that, its still a shock, or a painful punch in the gut. which still seems like a sudden shock. but my issue isnt the shock of loss. i honestly feel that i dont know how to properly mourn. perhaps its because i was an adult when it happened, and i never had a lot of death in my past. but the first to go was grandpa. and he was sick for a while. grandpa died from lymphoma. and that was amazing to me. i was a single child, raised by my mom, until i was 16. but my entire youth, i was raised in a really close-knit family. my moms family. i lived with my mom. and her parents were never too far away. we lived never too far from grandma and grandpa. but grandpa was i suppose you could say, my "male role model" as i was raised by my mom. but grandpa was a mountain of a man. he was a big gun gunner in the navy aboard a battle ship during world war 2. he was the guy who loaded the huge 5 foot shells and sent them to the japanese opponents. but grandpa was 6'.3" and all muscle. even into his older years, he was always a huge imposing looking man. yet he was the absolute kindest most sincere and extremely loving man i have ever known. heres a funny story about grandpa. i really dont remember a whole lot of this story. as it happened when i was really little, i think i was 4 when this happened. but i have heard the story from everyone that was there and they all match up. but they always had farm animals, and me and the cousins,being kids, would always be out getting into stuff in the barns or petting or playing with all the animals. well one day me and one of my female cousins were at the fence feeding grandpas HUUUUGE black horse. his name was Omega. i still remember this horse. he was a abnormally large solid black stallion. but me and my cousin were standing on our side of the fence feeding Omega some grass and grandpa was next to us. i htink he was just making sure nothing happened. well as i was bending down to grab another clump of grass for the hulking beast, he bent down and latched onto my shoulder and bit the ever loving shit out of be. well, i dont recall the bite, im sure trauma omitted that from my memories. but i do remember exactly what happened a split second later. i think i was still in Omegas mouth when this happened, but im not certain. but without batting an eye, i saw this mountain of a man move with the speed of bruce lee. without missing a beat, grandpa rared back and punched Omega square in the nose. and it wasnt a "no no bad boy" kinda swat. he punched the ever loving shit out of him. in fact thats the part i recall, was watching Omega stagger back and that look in his eyes was something i never saw or have seen since on an animal. it was the look that you see boxers or ufc fighters when they are on their way out. that look in their eyes right before they are knocked out, was the exact same look in this horses eyes. and if it werent so serious, it would have been hilarious. he damn near knocked out a horse, no bullshit.
anyways it was really weird to know grandpa was sick, and was not gonna get any better. but grandpas was still big even as he was withering away. it wasnt until right before he died that he even started to loose weight. but heres the deal, i was well prepared for his upcoming death. we were just waiting for the phone call basically. but after grandpa died, i dont think i ever really mourned. as with all the other deaths, i dont think i have properly mourned their passing. i dont hold any sadness, or despair from the loss but thats what makes me feel like i didnt mourn properly. because i dont get sad around his anniversary of his death or of my grandmas death. thats what makes me feel like i havent mourned properly. for either of them. i loved my grandma and grandpa very much. i was indeed sad because of their passing. but it seems like its there gone, that sucks, now go on. thats such a terrible way to look at it. and thats not how i look at it, but its how it seems. i loved them very much. but i feel like i should have been more upset about their passing. or even still hold sadness. yet i dont. it seems like other people i know hold sadness and despair for years and years after their passing. so it makes me feel like i didnt mourn properly. and i feel shitty about that. because of course NO ONE knows how you truly feel about another person but you, yourself. and i know for an absolute fact that i love my grandpa and grandma fully with all my heart. i only hope that they knew how much i truly did love them. i suppose this is just a character flaw with me.
im pulling off for now, i will add the next edition in this diatribe about my mom. thats gonna suck.so standby.
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