depression suppression.

this one will most likely be a pile of rambling nonsense. however i intend to get the point across, eventually. its kinda funny setting here talking to myself. i mean theres very low possibility that ANYONE will ever read this thing. so anyhow, i recon ill just start in on it. i wonder if theres something wrong with me, or with how my brain works. i feel that i dont show my feelings very well. i dont tell my wife or my kids how much i truly truly love them, and that they honestly mean more to me than anything they will ever know. i think its clear that be stating this, i clearly understand that i do have this issue. i also do acknowledge it. yet at the same time when i realize it or that ive missed an opportunity to express my feelings its typically too late, or would fall at an odd/suspicious timing. i also cant go around saying "i love you" constantly, for that would minimise the true emotion behind it. i guess i need an internal reminder to go off and remind me to express my feelings. i wish i had this device. i cant express in words or even in (known) actions just how much i truly truly love my awesome wife. she is such an awesome human. shes done so much for me, and put up with so much shit, i could never ever repay her. i have no idea how she has managed. because during my drinking and drugging days, i did so much shit to her and the family, that if it were someone else, i would have beat the ever loving shit out of that person. of course hindsight is 20/20. i try to look at all of my past as a learning opportunity. i know my wife probably has a tiny tiny microscopic seed of doubt buried waaaay down deep inside, where she might fear the possibility of me falling off the wagon. and i understand her fears. yet i have not had a drink in almost 10 years. and i can honestly say that i am in no way worried that there will ever be an issue. in fact i dont believe i will ever drink again. i just no longer have that desire or need. in fact it seems really more of a pain in the ass than what would be a good time. it seems more like a hassle and something that dont seem fun or enjoyable at all.  

ok, well lets get into the meat and taters of the topic at hand. my depression issues. oh boy, this will be a long one. so lets start at the beginning. ive pretty much always been depressed. or had a depressed personality. i recall speaking to my mom several years ago, she had just brought it up in passing really. but the gist of the discussion was that she said even as a small kid i was depressed. she had told me that of course i had no reason, that she knew of for me to be depressed. yet i just had a depressive personality. not that i wasnt a happy kid, nor did i not have a happy childhood. in fact i recall my entire childhood as a good time. i dont recall any issues or anytime where i was depressed or upset. i just remember having fun and being a kid. which she said that yes, of course i had alot of fun, i never had problems making friends or playing with other kids. but it was when all the normal play and socialisation was over, and when i was just chillin, then from time to time i would fall into a funk. i just do not recall that. perhaps its for the best. im sure my teenage years might have had a little to do with my current  bi polar issues. thats when i really took notice of a real depression issue. and it was something that i carried with me until today. it was really weird how it worked. because one day, or minute, or second, i would be as happy as possible and even on top of the world. then the very next second i would flip over to something that will be equally depressive. and it often would be like flipping a switch. and i never knew how this was or why it would happen. it would happen without any form of trigger. it would just happen  for no reason. of course we know its manic depression or better known as bi-polar depression disorder. and its a motherfucker to live with. whats worse is trying to explain it to someone who has no idea what bi polar depression is. i mean yeah sure, we all have "blue" day when we just dont feel as great as normal. that is not at all what im talking about. i have a blue day about 10-15 times a day. but so many people just say some stupid moronic cliche, like "just think happier thoughts" simply fucking asinine. i usually just have to walk away from those discussions.

well of course i cant just have bi polar issues.... no way. as if that werent enough ive also dealt with a rather serious form of anxiety disorders. primarily social anxiety primarily. and i suppose one would say the cream of the crop..... ive become quite agoraphobic. as in i ONLY leave the house once a month. and even then, its at 4 o clock in the morning to go get my medicine. occasionally i will go to the store. however if it were left up to me i would NEVER leave the house. i just dont have any business in the "real world" theres nothing out there for me. and in fact the real world is a place that tends to set off any or all of my anxieties. it seems as tho if i stay in the house, then i wont have to face the assholes in the public or any of the other ignorant shit that pisses me off or sets me into a panic attack. its so much easier to stay home where i can protect myself and everyone around me. out and about, you never know where the shit will come from. ive come to realize that current situations that are occurring have made my agoraphobia actually not a flaw but a positive thing. i mean i would NEVER do what they say to do, just because they say to do it. however i am now doing it because i cant help it. so i suppose i am relatively safe from this "virus". and of course that issue i will wrestle with in another diatribe.