re-united states of america

  ok, im going to keep as much political bullshit out of this. im planning on keeping this patriotic and not political. of course like all diseases, im sure it will sneak in more than i intend for it too. but i hope to keep it in check.

   but my thoughts are varying. one minute i am one of the most patriotic people around. i am very proud of my country. the people, and the lifestyle. however i am not a believer in this government. the government is NOT by the people, of the people, and for the people anymore. it is all about the alphabet agencies, and the all mighty dollar. the constitution has been all but omitted from the government. when at the beginning the government WAS the constitution. and that is a bastardization of this country and its people. 

and the division that i am speaking of is really disheartening. its a shame that we are all called americans. yet at he same time, the way things are, a persons deep held beliefs are no longer topics for discussion and idea transfer. they are now reasons for one lunatic to kill their american brother or sister. that is truly sad. something as insignificant as one persons beliefs-something they BELIEVE- is a reason to kill a person???? thats not in any way american. back in the day for a democrat to call a republican, "a republican" it was really just a statement of fact. however now its a verbal attack. or an insult. i remember when people with opposing thoughts could get together and discuss their points. its a cray thing called conversation, or discussion. those days are gone. because for whatever reason simply believing in a certain side of the spectrum makes you literally enemies with the opposing side. the days of cordial, or even heated discussions are over. its now damn near war. and its ridiculous. theres nothing wrong with holding different views and beliefs, but its not a reason to dehumanize and hate your bretheren.

 we need to actually work together. if you recall the colloquialism back in the 9/11 days "united we stand, divided we fall" do you assholes not remember that? the whole damn country was barfing out things like that. yet now just 19 years later we are totally and completely divided. and i think its divided to the point of no repair, i hope like hell it can be repaired. but some of what ive seen, im not  very optimistic. and there was only ONE other time that our country was this divided. and  it was in the mid 1800s. lets please not go back down that road. theres much better things to do. LIKE FIX OUR GOVERNMENT. bot sides of the government the red side and the blue side.  quit being hardasses and work together to get shit done. 

.....to be continued

mourning the passing of......

   as usual, i have no idea how to start this one. ive wanted to say something about remorse, or mourning. as a kid, i was pretty lucky. i never experienced death in my family until i was an adult. i never had any relatives pass on while i was younger. however when they did start to go, they came out of what seemed like nowhere. now that will sound really stupid. especially when you realize that we all knew that they were gonna be going "anytime now". i can explain that in a minute. but it seems that no matter how well that you know, and i mean that you truly KNOW that this person WILL be dying very soon. it seems no matter how well you are assure of that, its still a shock, or a painful punch in the gut. which still seems like  a sudden shock. but my issue isnt the shock of loss. i honestly feel that i dont know how to properly mourn. perhaps its because i was an adult when it happened, and i never had a lot of death in my past. but the first to go was grandpa. and he was sick for a while. grandpa died from lymphoma. and that was amazing to me. i was a single child, raised by my mom, until i was 16. but my entire youth, i was raised in a really close-knit family. my moms family. i lived with my mom. and her parents were never too far away. we lived never too far from grandma and grandpa. but grandpa was i suppose you could say, my "male role model" as i was raised by my mom. but grandpa was a mountain of a man. he was a big gun gunner in the navy aboard a battle ship during world war 2. he was the guy who loaded the huge 5 foot shells and sent them to the japanese opponents. but grandpa was 6'.3" and all muscle. even into his older years, he was always a huge imposing looking man. yet he was the absolute kindest most sincere and extremely loving man i have ever known. heres a funny story about grandpa. i really dont remember a whole lot of this story. as it happened when i was really little, i think i was 4 when this happened. but i have heard the story from everyone that was there and they all match up. but they always had farm animals, and me and the cousins,being kids, would always be out getting into stuff in the barns or petting or playing with all the animals. well one day me and one of my female cousins were at the fence feeding grandpas HUUUUGE black horse. his name was Omega. i still remember this horse. he was a abnormally large solid black stallion. but me and my cousin were standing on our side of the fence feeding Omega some grass and grandpa was next to us. i htink he was just making sure nothing happened. well as i was bending down to grab another clump of grass for the hulking beast, he bent down and latched onto my shoulder and bit the ever loving shit out of be. well, i dont recall the bite, im sure trauma omitted that from my memories. but i do remember exactly what happened a split second later. i think i was still in Omegas mouth when this happened, but im not certain. but without batting an eye, i saw this mountain of a man move with the speed of bruce lee. without missing a beat, grandpa rared back and punched Omega square in the nose. and it wasnt a "no no bad boy" kinda swat. he punched the ever loving shit out of him. in fact thats the part i recall, was watching Omega stagger back and that look in his eyes was something i never saw or have seen since on an animal. it was the look that you see boxers or ufc fighters when they are on their way out. that look in their eyes right before they are knocked out, was the exact same look in this horses eyes. and if it werent so serious, it would have been hilarious. he damn near knocked out a horse, no bullshit. 

anyways it was really weird to know grandpa was sick, and was not gonna get any better. but grandpas was still big even as he was withering away. it wasnt until right before he died that he even started to loose weight. but heres the deal, i was well prepared for his upcoming death. we were just waiting for the phone call basically. but after grandpa died, i dont think i ever really mourned. as with all the other deaths, i dont think i have properly mourned their passing. i dont hold any sadness, or despair from the loss but thats what makes me feel like i didnt mourn properly. because i dont get sad around his anniversary of his death or of my grandmas death. thats what makes me feel like i havent mourned properly. for either of them. i loved my grandma and grandpa very much. i was indeed sad because of their passing. but it seems like its there gone, that sucks, now go on. thats such a terrible way to look at it. and thats not how i look at it, but its how it seems. i loved them very much. but i feel like i should have been more upset about their passing. or even still hold sadness. yet i dont.  it seems like other people i know hold sadness and despair for years and years after their passing. so it makes me feel like i didnt mourn properly. and i feel shitty about that. because of course NO ONE knows how you truly feel about another person but you, yourself. and i know for an absolute fact that i love my grandpa and grandma fully with all my heart. i only hope that they knew how much i truly did love them. i suppose this is just a character flaw with me. 

im pulling off for now, i will add the next edition in this diatribe about my mom. thats gonna suck.so standby.

depression suppression.

this one will most likely be a pile of rambling nonsense. however i intend to get the point across, eventually. its kinda funny setting here talking to myself. i mean theres very low possibility that ANYONE will ever read this thing. so anyhow, i recon ill just start in on it. i wonder if theres something wrong with me, or with how my brain works. i feel that i dont show my feelings very well. i dont tell my wife or my kids how much i truly truly love them, and that they honestly mean more to me than anything they will ever know. i think its clear that be stating this, i clearly understand that i do have this issue. i also do acknowledge it. yet at the same time when i realize it or that ive missed an opportunity to express my feelings its typically too late, or would fall at an odd/suspicious timing. i also cant go around saying "i love you" constantly, for that would minimise the true emotion behind it. i guess i need an internal reminder to go off and remind me to express my feelings. i wish i had this device. i cant express in words or even in (known) actions just how much i truly truly love my awesome wife. she is such an awesome human. shes done so much for me, and put up with so much shit, i could never ever repay her. i have no idea how she has managed. because during my drinking and drugging days, i did so much shit to her and the family, that if it were someone else, i would have beat the ever loving shit out of that person. of course hindsight is 20/20. i try to look at all of my past as a learning opportunity. i know my wife probably has a tiny tiny microscopic seed of doubt buried waaaay down deep inside, where she might fear the possibility of me falling off the wagon. and i understand her fears. yet i have not had a drink in almost 10 years. and i can honestly say that i am in no way worried that there will ever be an issue. in fact i dont believe i will ever drink again. i just no longer have that desire or need. in fact it seems really more of a pain in the ass than what would be a good time. it seems more like a hassle and something that dont seem fun or enjoyable at all.  

ok, well lets get into the meat and taters of the topic at hand. my depression issues. oh boy, this will be a long one. so lets start at the beginning. ive pretty much always been depressed. or had a depressed personality. i recall speaking to my mom several years ago, she had just brought it up in passing really. but the gist of the discussion was that she said even as a small kid i was depressed. she had told me that of course i had no reason, that she knew of for me to be depressed. yet i just had a depressive personality. not that i wasnt a happy kid, nor did i not have a happy childhood. in fact i recall my entire childhood as a good time. i dont recall any issues or anytime where i was depressed or upset. i just remember having fun and being a kid. which she said that yes, of course i had alot of fun, i never had problems making friends or playing with other kids. but it was when all the normal play and socialisation was over, and when i was just chillin, then from time to time i would fall into a funk. i just do not recall that. perhaps its for the best. im sure my teenage years might have had a little to do with my current  bi polar issues. thats when i really took notice of a real depression issue. and it was something that i carried with me until today. it was really weird how it worked. because one day, or minute, or second, i would be as happy as possible and even on top of the world. then the very next second i would flip over to something that will be equally depressive. and it often would be like flipping a switch. and i never knew how this was or why it would happen. it would happen without any form of trigger. it would just happen  for no reason. of course we know its manic depression or better known as bi-polar depression disorder. and its a motherfucker to live with. whats worse is trying to explain it to someone who has no idea what bi polar depression is. i mean yeah sure, we all have "blue" day when we just dont feel as great as normal. that is not at all what im talking about. i have a blue day about 10-15 times a day. but so many people just say some stupid moronic cliche, like "just think happier thoughts" simply fucking asinine. i usually just have to walk away from those discussions.

well of course i cant just have bi polar issues.... no way. as if that werent enough ive also dealt with a rather serious form of anxiety disorders. primarily social anxiety primarily. and i suppose one would say the cream of the crop..... ive become quite agoraphobic. as in i ONLY leave the house once a month. and even then, its at 4 o clock in the morning to go get my medicine. occasionally i will go to the store. however if it were left up to me i would NEVER leave the house. i just dont have any business in the "real world" theres nothing out there for me. and in fact the real world is a place that tends to set off any or all of my anxieties. it seems as tho if i stay in the house, then i wont have to face the assholes in the public or any of the other ignorant shit that pisses me off or sets me into a panic attack. its so much easier to stay home where i can protect myself and everyone around me. out and about, you never know where the shit will come from. ive come to realize that current situations that are occurring have made my agoraphobia actually not a flaw but a positive thing. i mean i would NEVER do what they say to do, just because they say to do it. however i am now doing it because i cant help it. so i suppose i am relatively safe from this "virus". and of course that issue i will wrestle with in another diatribe.